CULTsha-sha

thesophie:

cultshasha:

Surbiton station has claimed three lives (to my knowledge) this year. The most recent was a few days ago. There is something very eerie and wrong when an automated voice informs you that the reason for the delay to your service is due to a “fatality”.

When I moved down here, some months ago now, someone jumped from the bridge above the tracks next to the station. A friend of mine told me that people are always killing themselves at Surbiton. Why? What is about Surbiton that becomes appealing to these poor souls? Is there a direct line from Surbiton to the Hell? Could I get a return ticket? I just wanna go for a day to see if it’s really as bad as people say it is. 

That’s where they filmed

The Good Life. QED

 Yeah I know! At the Surbiton festival they sold T-shirts with the slogan “Surbiton - Home of the Good Life”. I was this (pinches fingers) close to buying one.

Surbiton station has claimed three lives (to my knowledge) this year. The most recent was a few days ago. There is something very eerie and wrong when an automated voice informs you that the reason for the delay to your service is due to a “fatality”.

When I moved down here, some months ago now, someone jumped from the bridge above the tracks next to the station. A friend of mine told me that people are always killing themselves at Surbiton. Why? What is it about Surbiton that becomes appealing to these poor souls? Is there a direct line from Surbiton to the Hell? Could I get a return ticket? I just wanna go for a day to see if it’s really as bad as people say it is. 

Internet, can you lend me some money till payday please? I only have about five pounds to last me till the end of the month. On the bright side I may not have enough cash to get to work so that’ll be a nice forced few days off. I doubt my employers will see it that way though.

I’m sure I’ll find someone to borrow from but I hate borrowing money. I’m the sort of retard that will go without food and comfort before asking someone for financial aid. That isn’t strictly true, I can ask my Dad for money because parents are for fleecing, but now it’s harder because he’s just as skint as me.

A friend of mine has offered to lend me some but we’re not going run into each other for some time due to conflicting work schedules. My girlfriend too has offered but I refused, probably due to some misplaced, out-dated sense of chivalry.

It’s so annoying, payday is soooo close. I feel like I failed in someway, I don’t usually run out of money completely. In fact this is the first time in years I’ve had to resort to begging.

I hate ‘living within my means’ and refuse to play this game anymore. The game which requires constant mental arithmetic in calculating your incommings against your outgoings so you don’t feel bad about buying those six chocolate donuts.

And this is for the media: enough of the bad news concerning the economy! From now on it’s either good news or no news, got it?  

OH FUCK, it’s an hour later than I thought it was… Is it?

Daylight saving shite 

Another day off wasted in bed, surfing the internet in search of clues on my laptop… Life is an infuriating puzzle. I can’t figure out how it’s supposed to work, I feel like I’ve been trying to solve one of them rubix cubes for fourteen years and I haven’t even got one side coloured all the same.

I know I know, all you need is a little bit of direction and perseverance. I just want everything handed to me on a plate is all, too much to ask?

Yes I suppose it is. Ooohhh I’m heading in the shower now and then I’m eating whatever is going mouldy in my cupboards. I’ll be constructive in a parallel universe. Or tomorrow.

thesophie:

Darkhorsedan and I are going to a halloween party and we need cosutmes on a budget of next to nothing. Right. Here are some thoughts. Your feedback would be much appreciated…

Double act -
Red rinding hood and the wolf
Clarice and Hannibal Lecter
Beetlejuice and girl
Brad and janet (rocky horror)
riffraff and magenta
Humbert humbert and Lolita
Troma
Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein
Joseph and Mary (zombies)

Halloween’d celebrities (pun heavy) -
Leonardo dicappitated
Audrey hepburnt
Charlie chaplips
Rape fiennes
Jude gore
Jim scary
Barry scott death (bang and the baby’s gone)

Dan:
Evil hypnotist from Big Train
Joker
Paedo from brass eye

Sophie:
Catwoman

So… what’s your favourite? let me know sophie at comedy bar dot co dot uk (or simply reblog)
Feel free to join in on the hollyween puns….

Rowan ‘Hack’inson

Stephen Fried Human Flesh

Tommy Spooker

John Male-corpse-ina-ditch.

Catherine Hate

Brian Cursed

Nicolas Rage

Britney Spearheadedshark

Today I’ll be going to this mega, big, four floor’d, fancy dress shop that my friend described to me to be “just a little bit amazing”.

I’m not sure I can afford to buy an outfit (I haven’t even bought my gown for graduation yet), but I know me, as soon as I enter this place I’m gonna go nuts and blow the rest of what’s left in my bank acount on a load of old bollocks I’ll only wear once.

But why? I couldn’t remember the exact reason we dress up on the 31st of October. So I of course Goggled it. Goggle bless.

On Halloween, when it was believed that ghosts came back to the earthly world, people thought they would encounter ghosts if they left their homes. To avoid being recognised by these ghosts people would wear masks when they left their homes after dark so that the ghosts would mistake them for fellow spirits.

I’d of loved to have been sitting in the room with the genius who first pitched this master plan.

“Clive! (his name was Clive) Where do you think you’re going? Don’t you know it’s Hallow’s Eve. You’ll be gobbled up by the ghosts!”

“Argh be silent wife! I have invented a way of alluding the dead. I’ll wear this mask made from cardboard, glitter and crazy glue.”

“What?”

“I’ll look just like one of them ghosts you see? They’ll think I’m deceased like them and I’ll be able to slip past them and pop to the shops and buy myself a big box of choclate eclairs.”

“You’re loon! What the hell kind of ghost dressess themselves up like a twat?”

“Womenfolk simply do not understand such complicated matters, now pass me that tu-tu and fairy wand would you?”

Even more stupid, people used to leave bowls of food outside their houses to appease ghosts. Ensuring that they would not enter. 

What the fuck is a ghost going to do with a bowl of cherry’s? If I were dead and saw a bowl of cherry’s I’d get pissed because it would remind me that my cherry eating days were over. I’d go in the house that left them out and haunt the shit out of them.

Still; the stupidity of our Pagan/Christian ancestors has lead to the creation of a really fun holiday. Well done guys!

I wonder if my stupid actions could one day trigger a future day of celebration? Probably not eh? I’d have more luck triggerig a national day of mourning by causing some massive accident.

It’s all about being remembered. I guess I could allways just wear the outfit at graduation, to hell with the gown.

thesophie:

(via cultshasha)

Can I help?

 Yeah, could you beat the laziness out of me please?

I have just realised how skinny I have become. I pledge to eat my sweet ass off until I start to look remotely healthier again. Time for a quick trip to the supermarket before work.

But I need recipes, part of the reason I don’t have any food is because I don’t really know what I’m doing with it. I hate throwing away food even more than starving; which is a bit backward I suppose. I must enter Sainsbury’s with a battle plan - or a… er what do you people call them, a shopping list; yes.

Heres one recipe my Aunt sent me earlier:

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE

1 Coffee Mug
4 tablespoons flour (that’s plain flour, not self-rising)
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons baking cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional) some nuts (optional)
Small splash of vanilla

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well . Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes on high.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don’t be alarmed!

Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired. EAT!
(this can serve 2 if you want to share!)

Great! Although I promise to eat more than just cakes and crap (this is addressed to anyone out there reading this that actually gives a shit). Look I have a pyramid diagram and everything!

I was in Kingston with Emily yesterday, we started looking in bookshops as there was a particular piece of literature she wanted to share with me. As we looked around a store for her book I saw another all about Winston Churchill and how amazing he was. I’ve been reading a bit of history recently and I couldn’t believe the sorts of stupid, horrible things he’d done and pratically gotten away with.

I suddenly hated him, in that store, looking at his stupid face on that front cover. In fact I felt betrayed. I used to like him before when I was ignorant of his crimes.

Am I going overboard? Maybe I should compile a list of things that I like about him and then a list of things that I don’t like about him.

Reasons I like Churchill:

1. He had a few modern political views, good policies about the use of Identity Cards and a pretty good sense of humour.

eg. “There is no such thing as a good tax.” - Winston Churchill

2. Errrrrr…

Reasons I don’t like Churchill:

1. He was arrogant

eg. “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it” - Winston Churchill

2. The battle of Gallipoli! At least 400,000 dead on both sides; over a third of the ANZAC (Australian and New Zealand Army Corps) forces wiped out in their first ever battles. Because Admiral Churchill wanted to get some action during the First World War his pride allowed him lead a pointless assault on an impregnable peninsula.

3. The map of Iraq! The British had conquered most of the Middle East at the end of World War I (In fact Britain was pretty much the last empire standing). However at the time we couldn’t be arsed with any of it. Had we known that the oil reserves in the region held the key to world power for the next century we may have handled things a bit better. That said one man did care, Sir Mark Sykes, who was appointed to determine the future of the Middle East. He worked tirelessly to ensure the local leaders would be on the side of the British. In 1919 Sykes unexpectedly died. In 1921 Churchill became colonial secretary.

Churchy had no time for stupid policy or for setting up stable democratic states. He had to re-draw the map of much of the Middle East and a revolt to put down. It’s interesting to note that Saddam Hussein wasn’t the first to use chemical weapons against the Kurds.

eg “I do not understand this squeamishness about the use of gas. I am strongly in favour of using poisoned gas against uncivilised tribes” - Winston Churchill

Basically, he drew up the artificial state of Iraq; plonked the waring Sunni and Shiites in there and lured the Kurds in from Turkey with promises of self rule. Promises that were immediately broken.

The ramifications were explosive, as they are to this day. No proper thought or planning in regards to borders or proper governmental systems created untold misery and disaster. Not to mention the Gulf Wars. 

4. There are many other mistakes and plots which envolved Churchill that I can’t be arsed to go into. Look up Mohammed Mossadegh for further evidence of why Churchill was a total Cunt.

Yeah he was Prime Minister during the war; big fucking deal, any politicain who was prime minister during the war would have been praised. The man had a way with words but he was still a Cunt.

P.S. Did you know that the then new state of Iraq was a new word for the region that meant “well rooted country”? I-fucking-ronic.

thesophie:

cultshasha:

I was totally obsessed with money. I was paid more than I originally thought, before then the dread of struggling through October on nothing but peanuts shook me into drastically searching for another job. One company got back to me straight away, however it was a marketing sales position which would have meant I’d have to sell things to people that they didn’t really need; over the phone. To be honest I have no idea why I even applied.

The issue of not being able to afford to go on holiday (to Morocco) and my 26th birthday approaching casted more fears over my station in life and where I thought I’d be in a few years.

Now I’m sick of it all, the great ‘depression’ that’s plastered all over the newspapers, the constant fear of not being secure and my obsession for obtaining materialistic shit… A big HDTV would be sweet though… NO Geoff! When you can afford it.

I wanted to go see Seasick Steve the other day, it was a free gig thesophie told me about. Unfortunately by the time me and my work mates got to the venue all the wrist bands needed to attend the show were gone. I realised that I hadn’t seen a gig in ages and that this is what I should be concerned about. Having fun now.

My American friend Whitney has invited me to go visit her next year, I’m gonna keep putting money aside and fly out for road trip madness. I’m going to see more live comedy and music AND I’m gonna go to Alton Towers, I’ve never been.

Screw everything else, I’ll get a job soon enough… I’m only 25 for goodness sake.

That said… I’ll still probably be the same responsible boring bastard I’ve always been. Is it possible to not be boring and responsible at the same time?

Helen is staying with me, she has a temporary job as a runner for Bid-Up TV (That crappy shopping channel). I got to go in with her yesterday before my late shift at Ripley’s. They needed someone to play Nintendo Wii games with all the accessories for their VT. When they have the products in stock I’ll be on the telly playing the console for a few seconds! I got paid £50 for that, easy money.

So I guess you can be responsible and fun all at once. Bid-Up TV is fun right?

WOAH GEOFF YOU’RE FAMOUS! So what’s all this looking for a job? You finishing at Ripley’s or is it only part time?

It’s not the dream job I thought it would be, don’t get me wrong it’s pretty sweet and when I saw that they paid me more than I believed I’d get; I was like “Well alright then!” However; apart from the Americans (who go back to America in December because their Visa’s all expire at he same time) everyone is looking for a new job.

It’s so unbelievably boring! And the stench of failure is rank. Barely anyone comes into the museum, security has been cut back because of this. Last night was the end of Ramadan so (and I don’t see the connection) loads of gangs from the suburban areas came into London to start fights. There where loads of police but there were more “youths” and we have no security! Fuck that.

Basically, to pay the rent on the building we occupy we need about 3000 guests a day. We get like 400 during the week and about 1000 on the weekend. All the staff that have left or have been fired (for being naughty) have not been replaced. It’s going tits up. I blame the marketing… It’s well shit.

But the people are still fun, we just fuck about as often as possible. But now the managers are starting to get pissed off. 

You have a job yet?

I was totally obsessed with money. I was paid more than I originally thought, before then the dread of struggling through October on nothing but peanuts shook me into drastically searching for another job. One company got back to me straight away, however it was a marketing sales position which would have meant I’d have to sell things to people that they didn’t really need; over the phone. To be honest I have no idea why I even applied.

The issue of not being able to afford to go on holiday (to Morocco) and my 26th birthday approaching casted more fears over my station in life and where I thought I’d be in a few years.

Now I’m sick of it all, the great ‘depression’ that’s plastered all over the newspapers, the constant fear of not being secure and my obsession for obtaining materialistic shit… A big HDTV would be sweet though… NO Geoff! When you can afford it.

I wanted to go see Seasick Steve the other day, it was a free gig thesophie told me about. Unfortunately by the time me and my work mates got to the venue all the wrist bands needed to attend the show were gone. I realised that I hadn’t seen a gig in ages and that this is what I should be concerned about. Having fun now.

My American friend Whitney has invited me to go visit her next year, I’m gonna keep putting money aside and fly out for road trip madness. I’m going to see more live comedy and music AND I’m gonna go to Alton Towers, I’ve never been.

Screw everything else, I’ll get a job soon enough… I’m only 25 for goodness sake.

That said… I’ll still probably be the same responsible boring bastard I’ve always been. Is it possible to not be boring and responsible at the same time?

Helen is staying with me, she has a temporary job as a runner for Bid-Up TV (That crappy shopping channel). I got to go in with her yesterday before my late shift at Ripley’s. They needed someone to play Nintendo Wii games with all the accessories for their VT. When they have the products in stock I’ll be on the telly playing the console for a few seconds! I got paid £50 for that, easy money.

So I guess you can be responsible and fun all at once. Bid-Up TV is fun right?